Simply put, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and is recognized as a form of psychological aggression. It takes the shape of emotional manipulation, except this time the manipulator is pitting you against your own conscience.
Gaslighting someone means to make them question their sanity or their own perception of certain events by downplaying it or being outright dismissive.
Gaslighting is fairly common in romantic relationships or marriages but it can happen with anyone, including your parents, your friends, anyone that has some degree of control over your emotions.
The worst thing about being gaslit is that the victim is often unaware of it happening unless they get the bird’s view in certain situations. Here are some ways to tell if you’re being gaslit!
How To Recognize It? 11 Signs of Gaslighting
- You Start Doubting Your Own Feelings
A gaslighter might trick you into believing that your own emotions and feelings aren’t valid and that you might be overestimating things.
If you feel hurt or upset about something, your abuser might get you to think that you’re wrong to feel the way you do, and you might just start to believe it.
- You Often Feel Confused
You will often find yourself confused and agitated, trying to understand your manipulator’s behavior.
This will ultimately interfere with your ability to think and perceive events, making you confused about almost anything that happens in your life.
- You Find Decision Making Difficult
Gaslighters play a fundamental part in ruining your self-esteem and your self-confidence. This will affect your ability to make decisions regarding your own self.
Even if it’s little things like deciding what to eat or what to wear, you’ll find yourself doubting every choice you make because you’re so inclined to believe that you’re wrong.
- You Start to Wonder If You’re Too Sensitive
When someone dismisses your pain or humiliation, they make you believe that whatever you’re feeling isn’t justified and that you are overreacting to the situation.
This makes you wonder if you’re actually too sensitive to minor things that should otherwise be overlooked. But the reality is far from it.
- You Start Becoming Withdrawn and Antisocial
When you’re being gaslighted by someone you really care about, you start to take their opinions of you as the only opinion people might have about you.
This breaks your confidence, and you find yourself withdrawing from social conversations believing you’re not worth having around.
- You Often Feel Lonely and Weak
Gaslighting mostly comes from people we hold close to ourselves. And when they mistreat us, we stop trusting others too.
This often results in you feeling alone and powerless, thinking there is no one you can turn to when you need to.
- You Find Yourself Apologizing Often
Even though you’re not at fault most of the time, you will still find yourself apologizing to the abuser every single time. Not only that, you’ll find yourself constantly apologizing to everyone around you for the tiniest things because you feel like you have to.
They just make you feel wrong in feeling what you do, you ultimately apologize even though it’s their fault.
- You Might Find Yourself Defending Your Manipulator’s Actions
Your gaslighter forces you to believe you’re wrong in most of the situations, and they are not. And this constant manipulation ultimately forces you to believe them.
So when your friends or family pick up on their behavior and start warning you about it, you will find yourself defending them because you’re inclined to believe it’s all your fault.
- You Start Making Excuses for Them in Front of Family and Friends
If someone else gets hurt by the abuser’s behavior, you will find yourself making excuses for them. In some situations, you might even find yourself taking the blame for things they did wrong because they have zero accountability.
- You Might Be Depressed Often
Low and depressed mood is a common sequela of gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse. You’ll find yourself crying or upset about one thing or the other most of the time.
At a certain point, you’ll start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. And despite all this, you won’t be able to openly express your hurt because you feel like it’s wrong for you to think this way.
- You Might Feel Insecure Often
Gaslighting crushes your confidence in yourself and your abilities, you’ll often find yourself insecure about yourself.
You might feel like you’re always choosing the wrong thing or saying the wrong thing just because someone forces you to think that way.
Examples of Gaslighting
Here are some ways someone might be gaslighting you:
- Being Dismissive of What You Say
Gaslighters often dismiss your version of the events and may straight away deny saying something or doing something.
They might even accuse you of lying or making things up just because they refuse to take the blame for something they did.
- Diverting the Conversation
If you bring up something you’re upset about, they will divert the conversation in a way that ultimately makes you the bad person and them the victim.
They might tell you about how stressed they are from work and other things and how your emotions are just making things worse for them. They will say things like, “can’t you just let me have a moment of peace?!” or “I had a tough day, can we do this another time?”
- Refusing to Talk About It
Sometimes gaslighters simply refuse to engage in any conversation about their behavior, they will make excuses and tell you they’re busy just so they don’t have to talk about it.
- Stereotyping Your Behavior
A common thing gaslighters do is stereotyping your behavior by calling it gender, race, or age-related.
They’ll say things like “that’s how men/women behave,” “you’re too young/old to understand this,” “you women are too emotional,” “it’s a hormonal thing,” or anything that shifts the blame from them to the stereotype.
- Trivializing the Situation
One of the most common ways people gaslight others is by downplaying the situation. They will make you believe that you’re exaggerating a situation when you’re not.
They’ll tell you things like “it’s not that big of a deal” or “you’re clearly overreacting to this” or anything that makes you believe that the situation is smaller than what you’re making it out to be.
- Making You Doubt Yourself
Gaslighters will make you doubt your memory or perception of the events.
They’ll say things like “Are you sure that is what happened?” or “are you sure you’re not mixing things up? You were pretty tired that day” they might even make you question your memory because of their gallant dismissal of the whole thing.
How to Respond to Gaslighting
Being emotionally abused is not easy, but there is no reason why you should suffer in silence. Here are some ways to cope if you’re being gaslit:
- Talk to a Trusted Family Member, Friend, or Confidant
Even though you might feel like you’re alone in your suffering, you’re not. There is always someone you can reach out to and confide in.
Talk to your parents or family if you can trust them, a close friend, or even a therapist or counselor if you feel like they’re the only ones you can trust. But do talk to someone because sometimes another person’s insight into the situation might help you realize how bad things actually are.
They will also validate your feelings and assure you that you’re not alone. They’ll make you realize how you’re being treated isn’t how people should be treated by someone they love.
Plus, it’s always good to have someone to fall back on in case things get worse. You’ll know you can reach out to them, and they’ll be there for you.
- Write Down Events and Document Them
It might be difficult, but start documenting events in which you feel like you’re being gaslighted or emotionally abused.
Getting it down on paper may lighten some load off your chest, and you’ll feel significantly better.
Plus, once you have it written, you can go back to it and remember events how they occurred instead of believing a falsified version the gaslighter presents to you.
- Take Pictures
It might help to take pictures of proof of abuse that you’re suffering. Or anything else that validates your story in front of others.
So if you ever need proof of your abuse, you have it and can make people believe you more easily.
- Keep Voice Recordings
Gaslighting is mostly just verbal, which makes it easy for gaslighters to deny certain things because no one usually has a record of verbal conversations.
But just to be safe, try to subtly record your abuser gaslighting you or emotionally abusing you so you have solid proof in case you ever need it.
How and When To Seek Help
Gaslighting is covered under the heading of “Psychological aggression” defined by the CDC in the Intimate Partner Violence guidelines, highlighting the impact it can have on a person. It is legally recognized as a form of abuse and is hence punishable by the law.
Often, psychological aggression may co-exist with other forms of abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse. Or it might supersede it. This is why it’s important to reach out to someone because it’s a threat to both your physical and mental well-being.
Indications of extreme abuse might be
- Sudden outbursts of anger
- Over-drinking alcohol
- Using recreational drugs
- Throwing and breaking things
- Throwing things at you
- Yelling at you
- Hurling abuses at you
Call 911 or the crisis helpline if you find yourself in a situation that’s a threat to your life or physical/mental health.
If you can’t do that, try to escape the situation and put distance between yourself and your abuser. Reach out to a friend or family member to help you out of the situation.
Final Thoughts
Gaslighting or any form of emotional abuse is hard to go through. Not because of how negatively it impacts your life but also because of how it can absolutely destroy your self-esteem, making you feel worthless and unlovable.
But know this, whatever your abuser has made you believe about yourself, it is NOT true!
You’re so much more than what they make you out to be. You’re strong and capable, and most importantly- you deserve to be loved and cared for.
How they treat you is NOT how you should be treated! No one deserves what you have to go through, and you need to respect yourself enough to take a stand for yourself and put an end to this abuse!
There are people and resources available out there to help you, just be brave enough and reach out to help!
Good luck and stay strong!
