All of us have needs. We love to get help when we need it, and we appreciate friends that always come through.
But manipulators get others to do their bidding by using sneaky methods. Manipulative behavior refers to actions someone uses to influence another to do whatever they want covertly. Manipulative behavior may feel benign, friendly or even flattering. You may feel like they have your best interests in mind, but it’s all for an ulterior motive.
You’re better off not having toxic people in your life. What signs show that someone is manipulating you? How can you recognize when someone is manipulative? There are different ways manipulators use, from casual interactions to toxic relationships. Here, experts share the signs of manipulation. This article shares 7 signs to look out for and how to break free from manipulators.
How To Spot Manipulative Behavior
We often come across people who manipulate others to get what they want. They can be our friends, teachers, colleagues, boss, or even our lovers. For the most part, we cannot always avoid manipulative people as they are intertwined in our everyday lives, but here are 7 warning signs to check for:
- They Don’t Respect Boundaries
Manipulative people always come into your personal space and act like it was always meant for them as much as it is for you. Manipulators do all they can to get whatever they want. They do not care about whoever may get hurt in the process. They don’t care about whatever your boundaries are or your privacy. They want it, and they want it at all costs.
- They Make You Question Your Reality
You know you’re being manipulated when you start to express doubts about what to think or second guess yourself. You may feel distressed if you don’t happen to act following the manipulative person’s wishes. Or perhaps you may start to believe that you have little choice but to follow their lead. In extreme cases, the cumulative effect of manipulation is for the victim to feel a sense of powerlessness.
Manipulators can make you question your sanity, sense of judgement, knowledge, and existence. Confusion has a high capacity to weaken your resolve, and so, manipulators capitalize on this to get their bidding done, and make you believe that you cannot do without them. They dismiss your opinions and change the topic when they are in the wrong.
- They Always Deflect Blame
Manipulators never accept to take responsibility for any failure or wrong. They are experts at shifting blame. Manipulators will guilt trip their victims even when they are the cause of the bad outcome. They say things like, “After all I’ve done for you!” Even when it is clear that they are in the wrong, a manipulative person can say, “you should have told me!”
When confronted about bad behavior, drug or alcohol abuse, or not keeping a promise, they pretend to be helpless, incompetent, play the victim, or make statements about being “dumb” or “stupid” or statements that indicate that others should feel sorry for them for their lack of awareness, education, experience, assistance, or support.
- They Justify Their Behavior
In many cases, a manipulator will make you feel that whatever they do to you, no matter how hurtful, and damaging their action seems to be it was done for your own good. They will make assumptions about you, your beliefs or intentions and use them against you to justify their own feelings or actions. They will not allow you to have a say in the conversation. They may even start acting as if you had already agreed or decided that something should be done in certain way contrary to yours when you never had such an agreement. They use that to disregard any objection you may have.
- You Feel Fear, Obligation And Guilt
Another too, approach, or shady method that manipulative people use is emotional blackmail. They may use anger, self-pity, change of facts, intimidation, threats, shame, or guilt to make you doubt your opinions and feel obliged or forced to follow their decision.
Manipulators may shame you into making you feel insecure. This could even come as a backhanded compliment. They could make statements like, “I’m surprised that you, of all people, you’d stoop to that!” They can use a ploy is to frighten you with threats, accusations, or dire warnings that sound like pleas, such as, “You’ll never meet anyone to accept you as well as I have,” or “There is no greener grass anywhere,” or they can play the victim and say, “I’ll die without you.” Manipulative people may act ignored, forgotten, hurt, wounded, unloved, or uncared for. They may start pouting, being distant or crying. And they usually watch the victim gauge the reaction to see if it will be favorable.
- You’re Questioning Yourself
If you find yourself asking questions about some decisions you made after coming in contact with someone, chances are that they have manipulated you. They may act depressed in front of you and then “magically” appear okay around others. You may start to question yourself about the kind of atmosphere you create. Or whether you are not friendly enough.
They may “butter up or suck up” to you and say things they don’t mean but hoping to get something out of you. They can use statements like, “You had it made,” “Your family encourages you,” “You got a good education,” “You were not abused,” “I wasn’t validated as a teenager,” etc.
- There Are Strings Attached
One technique that manipulative people use is called the “foot-in-the-door” technique. When someone makes a small request, they are certain you’d agree to and follow it up with the actual request.
After you had agreed to the first part, it will be harder to say no. And when you are reluctant, the manipulator turns your words around and acts the victim. A manipulative person may do good deeds and act nice to you, but there is often an ulterior motive.
How to Handle Manipulators
The first step is to know who you’re dealing with and build your self-esteem and self-respect.
People attempt to manipulate you and may not even know it. However, you have to teach people how to treat you. Now that you can identify manipulative behavior, how can you break free from it? How can you free yourself from the clutches of a manipulator?
Dealing with a manipulative person can be very tricky as it might be someone you really care about and don’t want to put out of your life. Here are five tips experts around the world believe will help you to break free:
- Don’t Automatically Apologize
As we have learned, manipulators make you feel bad for their own actions. They will play the victim and emotionally blackmail you to following their lead. You begin to talk about how they hurt you, but before you know it, you’re apologizing for what they did wrong! Always remind yourself of your position and never compromise. Only take responsibility for your own actions.
- Know When To Say No
You must understand when you are being pushed to do something against your will. Know when you are being guilt-tripped to do something. You can respond by saying, “I understand you think I should do this, however at the moment, it doesn’t fit with my plans.” If they try to make you feel scared, guilty or obliged, you can say, “Who exactly do you mean when you say everyone thinks I should?” That will clarify their comments and give you time to keep yourself together in one piece.
- Keep Your Distance
Always allow them to speak and take your turn to talk. Speak, in a calm tone, without a hint of judgment. Even if you think they may disregard what you say, you have to make yourself clear. Nonetheless, if you feel that you cannot handle a manipulative person, you must prioritize your mental health and find other friends or colleagues that will treat you with genuine respect and boost your self-esteem.
- Avoid Personalization And Self-Blame
Never take the blame for another person’s faults. Always take a stand. If you have identified a person as a manipulator, you must understand that you are not always at fault. Everyone has a weakness. How each person overcomes their weakness depends solely on them. Never think that you are the problem. Avoid taking the blame for their actions.
- Put the Focus On Them By Asking Probing Questions
Many manipulative people cannot handle it when a conversation is about them. You can turn the manipulation around and throw them off guard by asking them questions or simply restating their comments for clarification. When they try to explain themselves, you will see the actual intent in their words. A good detector would to note their facial expression while they make their point known and when you make your stance known.
- Use Time To Your Advantage
Never rush yourself into making a decision based on their advice, take time to think it over.
They say time heals everything. Learn more about manipulative behavior and the signs associated with this act and also, how to overcome it. If you find one of these tips hard to follow, give yourself time or space. You will find that with time, you will be able to handle even the worst of manipulators.
You can only take control of your own actions; you cannot change someone else. They will change only if they want to change, but you do not have to continue to behave in a manner that makes you uncomfortable.
