The first step towards having a great relationship with someone else is having a healthy relationship with yourself. It’s a lesson that I had to learn the hard way after my long-term partner and I split up. I pushed down all of the hurt, and in so doing, I pushed away new and wonderful people who came into my life. Figuring out how to navigate that to become emotionally available was not easy, but it was well worth the effort.
The real revelation for me came when I figured out that I had to work on myself first. It felt strange for me to put my own needs at the center of my life because aren’t we supposed to put other people first? I worried that I was selfish or self-serving. The reality is that great relationships happen when two people who are strong in and of themselves come together. By becoming emotionally available, I was able to build a strong bond with a new partner who valued me.
What does it look like to be emotionally available? Here are twelve signs you’re opening yourself up in a healthy way.
- You have clear boundaries
What? Isn’t the point of emotional availability being able to open up? Yes and no. Being too wide open crosses over from being emotionally available to being codependent. It’s important that you are able to set clear boundaries in your relationships so that you have that space to grow independently.
- You make plans for the future
Commitment is not an easy thing, especially if you’ve been hurt in the past. Making plans for the future with your partner shows that you are comfortable with yourself AND that you’re able to look forward. This might be planning three months ahead for a holiday or two years ahead for moving to a new home. The point is that you allow yourself to invest in the relationship without heaps of anxiety.
- You’re not afraid of the word “relationship”
That word relationship gets thrown around quite a bit, but it’s not comfortable for everyone to put it out there. If you constantly find yourself saying “I’m seeing this person” or “we’re going out” rather than telling others, and most importantly yourself and your partner, that you’re in a relationship, then you’re not opening up. Being able to let go of those doubts and take the plunge equals emotional availability.
- You have a support network
No one can go it in this life alone. Being emotionally available doesn’t mean that your partner is the only person in your life. That notion of someone being your everything is actually not healthy at all. Having a strong support network allows you to find support in many different places and strengthens your relationship with yourself as much as it does with your partner.
Your support network might be made up of friends, family, or chosen family. It doesn’t matter. A great therapist, a support group, or even your coworkers can boost you. Remember that you’re a whole person with a whole life, and when you find that support in lots of areas of your life, then you’re able to be emotionally available.
- You show that you care in small ways
Grand gestures are great, but only because they show our partner that we’ve thought of the thousand small things that were needed in order to get to that grand gesture. It’s all about the little things! If you’re showing up for your partner by making sure they have something to eat so they don’t get grumpy during a long workday or folding the laundry because you know they hate that chore, then you’re investing in the emotional health of both of you.
- You’ve put your past behind you
For most of us, this is the toughest part of taking control of our emotional wellbeing. Putting your past in the past is not easy, but the best way to make it happen is to take one step forward. When we’re in a long-term relationship, the same pathways in our brains get followed again and again. We’re basically digging a trench in our neurons. You have to walk new paths over and over again in order to free yourself from the old ways of doing things.
- You’re consistent and reliable
No matter how busy life is, we always have time to show up for our partners. When you’re consistent in your interactions with the people in your life, you’re opening yourself up to connection. In fact, if you’re being inconsistent or sabotaging the relationships in your life, that’s a telltale sign that you’re not emotionally available. You can’t be close to someone who isn’t sure if you’re going to show up. For lots of us, being inconsistent is a defense mechanism. Once you’re able to turn this off, that’s when you’ll know that you’re ready to be emotionally present in your life.
- You aren’t afraid of conflict
It’s natural for conflict to come up in a relationship from time to time, and it’s not at all a bad thing. What’s important is how we react to conflict and whether we run away from it. Being able to talk through the tough stuff is a sign that you feel good about yourself and that you can handle your own emotions. Facing difficult situations with grace and resilience shows that you are ready to take on whatever relationship challenges you might face.
One of the best parts about learning not to fear conflict is that doing this has a way of pulling back the heat of disagreements. Fear is a big feeling that drives even bigger feelings. Think of Yoda – “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” Don’t fear conflict because it’s natural!
- Your actions line up with your words
Talk is cheap. People say a lot of things in relationships, they make a lot of promises. When your words match your actions, that’s when you know that you’re on top of your emotions. Think about what you’re trying to hide behind if your actions aren’t matching up with your promises. Maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt or you’re insecure about what you offer your partner. On the other hand, if you’re secure in who you are and confident in your ability to be resilient, then you are free to tell the truth in your relationships.
- You respect your partner’s vulnerability
It’s tough to share your feelings with a partner, especially if you aren’t sure how they’ll react. Vulnerability is the gateway to closeness between two people, so respecting your partner’s feelings when they open up about the hard stuff is essential to being emotionally available. You want to create a safe space for them to be with you, just like you want to have that same safe space open to you. Sometimes, we just need to be heard so that we can move on with our lives. If you’ve learned that you can listen without judgment and with an open heart, then you’re doing a great job at being emotionally available.
- You share your feelings instead of holding them in
Just as you show emotional availability to your partner by giving them space to be open, you also show it when you are able to voice your own feelings. What happens when you hear your partner say something that bothers you? Do you turn to them and tell them that it’s not ok, or do you shove that feeling down and resolve to deal with it later, or not at all?
When an event happens that brings up a problem for you, you should find yourself turning towards your partner instead of away from them. This might start out with you recognizing that you’re turning away at first, just witnessing that reaction. Then you can move on to turning towards your partner in your mind and finally telling them what’s up when something is up. Once you can do this, you’re allowing yourself to be trusting and emotionally available.
- You practice self-compassion
The most important showing of your emotional availability, hands down, is your ability to show self-compassion. There is no one in this life who will be with you every single day except yourself, so it’s important that you are there for yourself. That old saying “you cannot pour from an empty cup” is a cliche for a reason – it’s true. You have to start by giving yourself room to grow and being patient with yourself before you can open up and be there for others. If you’ve learned how to show up for yourself, then you’re on the path to being able to show up for other people.
This is a lifelong pursuit, and it’s one that will enrich your relationships. Forgive yourself for taking too long or for past mistakes. There is nothing you can do to change what’s happened, so give yourself the latitude to feel and to grow.
To become emotionally available, you have to learn how to open yourself up to what you need. You are important! Once you work on yourself, you can then start branching out to what it looks like when you interact with others.
